A Jerry Saltz approved article*
In the world of collecting and investing in contemporary art, if you’re not my Mum, you’ll probably not find that chazza shop bargain. It is only when you’ve made a shit tonne of money on your buys do you look back and realise you’ve made a right steal there. Of course it’s risky, putting plenty cashito into the scribbles and blobs of some jumped up little-known tartist, but who the fuck gets to any financially useful position by sitting back and saying, ‘Boo hoo I’m too scared to make a decision with my money!’ Nobody that’s who mon cherie.
If you haven’t started your collection yet, a reasonable way to begin collecting art would be to start with well known names and some burgeoning ones. I mean you don’t have to even like the stuff, but It helps if you do actually like the art, especially if you’re planning to fling it Axel Vervoordt’s way so he can sort out your gaff!
BUY BURGEONING ART – INVEST NOW!!!!!! BEFORE SHE MAKES IT INTO INCENSE AND BURNS IT IN ONE OF HER WEIRD SEXY GARDEN RITUALS!!!!
Perhaps start your collection with small works because you can get an idea of the artist or the ‘essence of them’ as Liane Rossler puts it. Although it rather makes her sound like she’s a Skeksi tapping the artists’ veins for some Gelfling juice, she’s right and you should buy hot ‘young’ talent as soon as.
Don’t be thick dear deader – ‘young’ doesn’t mean fresh out of the Royal College of Art – it can also mean sticking your money with an untrained but highly polished burgeoning** woman artist in her 40’s with a penchant for collecting vintage Sindy dolls!
Collecting only paintings will make you a dullard. Paintings are so OVER. Why do you think people invented scissors and things to cut up? Screw copyright law, investing in handcut original collage is the way forward….I mean JUST LOOK at how many people are calling themselves collage artists on Instagram. Now there’s an emerging trend that won’t fucking die.
TOP TIP!!!!!! >>>> NEVER buy a collage that has a flower either for a head, face or around that general area – or porn pictures that have flowers hiding the naughty action. The people that made these are not artists and will die starving and smelling of putrid lager farts.
How to buy works on paper
You put your hand into your pocket and pull out your credit card.
It used to be that in the hierarchy of masterpieces, art that was made on paper would be the pauper cousin of a more egotastical mahoosive canvas later on and thus would be cheaper. Thankfully this stupidity is making way for the more rational – I mean why would the SECRETS and IDEAS of the work be worth less than the final product? Anyway, apart from idiots spending more money on digital (not real) works than canvases, you should be spending yours on paper handcut collage. The smaller it is, the more it’s worth. It’s delicate you see. It might get torn, or burnt or eaten by the dog. That is why it’s worth more. #bigmoney
*An immature lie.
** Stop saying burgeoning.